Wednesday, January 29, 2014

As Trevor Noah says “Keep it here, keep it here….”

I was with a cousin of mine yesterday; she is married with um 4 kids?  She was telling me that she had an epiphany a week earlier where she was wondering ‘who she is?’ she had lost her identity through being a mother and neglected all that she knew as her. This got me thinking of a well-known saying that reads ‘am I my brothers keeper?’

Men, we are not just our wives husbands, we are their keepers. 

It is no new thing that women put their all into relationships, they tend to hold nothing back and this is no more evidenced than in a relationship between a mother and her child. Though unintentional this is often done to their own detriment but only because their greatest support is often quite un-supporting. I propose a change to the order, a revision of the way we do things men.
YOU are your wife’s keeper.

We can not (and must not) ever get in the way of a woman expressing her affections, in fact we must help it along as often as possible, that is a blessing of their nature; however we must learn to guard her and protect her when she is unable to do it for herself (an act women are all too familiar with doing for men).  If you allow your woman to get so absorbed in the WORK (and yes it is A LOT of work) of nurturing and being a mother we run the risk of loosing our wife’s or rather allowing them to loose themselves.

Men complain that ‘my wife just changed after the kids’ or ‘she just forgot how to be sexy’ or worse still ‘ I don’t know where the woman I fell in love with went’. Men these are just silly excuses! How could she have avoided ‘leaving’ when you let her go?  I think if you were to take a poll you would find less men complaining that they ‘do not know who they are’ after years of marriage and kids than you would women, I for one have not heard that statement from Zimbabwean men. I deduced that this is because those men still get to go golfing with their buddies, they can hang at the bar, they can get lost in Sunday afternoon movies, they even get to pursue their very fulfilling career goals unabated. Look at their wives…. Whilst he watches TV she cleans the house, makes dinner and washes the dishes. While he is out golfing she is doing groceries, managing family conflicts, and looking for someone to sow up the damaged old school uniforms. While he pursues his career she looks for medical aid options for the family, tries to get all the kids in church to make sure they grow up socially acceptable human beings and attends all the school meetings, fun days, and parent-teacher conferences, all whilst also maintaining a 8-5 job.  It seems to me that in a traditional Zimbabwean marriage the men get to retain their identity and the women are required to loose theirs just because they are better at the relationship and nurturing stuff. Men, let us change this.

As I said earlier YOU are your wife’s keeper.  If she is getting so wrapped up in being mum and seems to be forgetting how to be Mrs. tell her to stop (lovingly of course), then do something about it. YOU take the kids for a bit so she can have that elusive moment to herself. YOU wash those dishes and give her a chance to read that book she’s been wanting to read or watch that episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta that she keeps missing. YOU pick up the kids from school and let her attend a zumba class or just go for a coffee with her friends who she never has time for. YOU check the kids homework and read with them so she has a couple of minutes to unwind from the day – that privilege she regularly gives you.  And men don’t stop there, don’t just fill in gaps or act like a substitute teacher, she married you because you were her hero so ACT LIKE IT and go the extra mile! Tape her favorite show on the PVR so she can watch it when she has a moment; get home early and cook (or get the maid to, heck get take out if you must) and give her a foot rub when she gets home – you have no idea how it is managing all the stuff she does in heels! Send the kids to a cousin’s place on the weekend and GO somewhere with your wife.

If you just act like you thought you would when you weren’t yet married, your wife will act better than she ever expected she would in your marriage. 

Letting your wife lose her identity is you abdicating your role as a husband, Christ has dedicated himself to helping you find your identity and from it you gain life and life in its abundance. That’s the example guys. Yes it’s hard I know, but tough stuff is why YOU are a MAN! You want to drive your ‘Built Tough’ Ford double cab but you don’t want to BE tough!?! You are better than that.
I am not married or even engaged so some of you may be thinking what right do I have to say these things to married men. Well maybe I have no right, but I’ll say this, I hope my friends and men around me wont wait to get a right to tell me things that matter when I am married and have kids, I expect those men around me to not slack and allow me to do anything other than the vows I made to the woman I married.  All I ask is that you think about what I have said men, and if it rings true in your spirit put action to it!

Fresh Start

Ok so here we go.  This is a whole new year and a whole new season, as such I am totally changing the nature of this blog.  I think a lot, I see a lot and I here a lot that causes me to think a lot, then see a lot and on it infinitum.  This is where I will share those thoughts and hopefully inspire some thought in you too.  So, on with the fun!